Nangahas akong Magtanong,

“When one asks a question, for a moment he becomes ignorant. But when one does not ask a question at all, he becomes ignorant for a lifetime.” ---Chinese Proverb

Never did I have the courage before to question my faith, my religion and my God. I never asked “What’s the use of prayer if God already has a divine plan for every one of us?” “Is there really God’s will or is it merely a big pampalubag loob whenever we experience pains?” “Why does God allow heartaches?” “Why is there evil in the world?” or “Is there really God?” I never asked those sorts of questions before. The fact that I was situated already for six years in a Jesuit Catholic university kept my sight on the truth with the lenses of prejudice and biases seeing only from one perspective, the sight of Catholic teachings. Even the Philippine society situates me in a very conservative manner of thinking that kept me mute of asking all these sorts of questions about my faith. Whenever I experience heartaches, pains, hurts, sadness, frustrations and disappointments, a dose of “everything has a purpose” and “may plano ang Diyos” eases the pain that I was feeling, and I never questioned then that it was a big pampalubag loob.

The second semester of this school year came and I was apprehensive upon enrolling in a Philosophy of Religion class. I figured that my faith will be put to a test wherein I will be asking questions about it and I will be critical with my spiritual life. I had traces of apprehension whenever atheists and their thoughts are mentioned and given emphasis in class. Worse, I even thought exaggeratedly that I will end up being an atheist after the semester but I didn’t.

I was repeatedly struck by questions of these atheists who would leave me speechless at the end of every session and who would leave me not firm of what to believe in because the questions raised seem to be more concrete and realistic. I surely won’t forget the case of the people who served as “collateral damages” – a life sacrificed when a 10-year old girl was raped by her father just so justice could be defined, heartbreaks just for one to find the right person. Why does god in all his goodness and wisdom allow these evil and all these things to happen?

After having been bombarded with Atheistic thoughts – “Religion is pure illusion”, “religion is the opium of the masses”, “god is dead!”, I came to a point where I was in the brink of being placed in the middle of the balance.

When we were asked, is there a need to pray? Is prayer really a communication with your god? Or is it merely another episode of a soliloquy, self talk? Do you think God already has a plan for you? And how do you know this divine plan?

“Ewan ko”, “Baka nga”,”Siguro”,”Yata”, ”Basta!”

These Filipino phrases had become my expressions of conviction when I got immersed into limitless possibilities as presented by the different philosophies and arguments whether atheistic or theistic in this Philosophy of Religion class. There were times that my faith was on the brink of being in the middle of the balance when I don’t know whether to believe or not believe, whether I agree or I disagree. I dwelt in the grey area most of the times.

Philosophy of Religion has taught me to open my eyes in search for the truth of God without any lenses of prejudices and biases. This class has taught me to have the courage to ask questions about the belief, about religion and about God.
“Tinuruan ako ng Pilosopiya ng Relihiyon na mangahas magtanong tungkol sa aking pananalig, sa aking mga pinaniniwalaan, at sa aking Panginoon.”

I dared to ask questions about my faith – questions that I’ve never asked myself before. The best learning that I got was the courage to ask and the courage to search for answers. I had the faith but it had to seek for more understanding, fides quaerens intellectum.

My faith was in a constant search...until I was deeply convinced by the anthropological approach more than any other theistic thesis on the existence of God. The five ways of Saint Thomas Aquinas is basically modern physics. The definition of God by Saint Anselm is merely logical, but the anthropological approach is more appropriate for my own experience of the infinite. The self must be in constant reflection of his experiences, thus the self seeks to understand the meaning of his experiences. One experiences the infinite when one has the question of and the concern for “from whence and to whence of life and responsibility.” One experiences the infinite when one genuinely loves – extended patience, infinite efforts to understand, infinite times to apologize and forgive, Super25 for unlimited call and texts for communication, infinite efforts to make the other happy and infinite love for the other to feel.

I quote my favourite statement on the lecture of the anthropological approach. “Reflection within experience leads to the discovery that a reality already encountered manifests the presence of something else not immediately known as such at the time.”

The present makes me realize the meaning of my past experiences making me say ”Kaya sana man palan nangyari ito sakuya,ta kung dai mayo kuta ako kung nasain ako ngunian.” The past is still something for me to be thankful for, for if it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have been where I am now. The present may have already been there in the past but not yet immediately known and realized at that time. It is merely waiting for the right time to unfold, and at the same time my past experiences could have given me the preparation when that right time comes.

My search for understanding my faith has yet to end nonetheless; it is a process perhaps a life-long one and so as my search for my life’s meaning and purpose. I just have to dare myself to constantly ask and continually search for the answers.

Nangahas na akong magtanong, ngayon naman, isang malaking hamon sa akin kung handa na akong mangahas lumundag. Ewan. Bahala na!